'…But God!'
I was born in the beautiful country of Guyana in South America. At the time of my birth, my parents were officers in The Salvation Army Caribbean Territory. Before I was 10 years old, I had already moved to three different homes.
Growing up with four older siblings, I think I was forgotten a lot. My parents were busy, and I was often left alone. And at the age of 10, I was sexually abused by someone I had formerly thought of as a family friend. I never told anyone about the abuse, and I still try to forget the trauma. That was the instance that triggered my “acting out,” as my parents called it. I wish my parents had read between the lines.
By the age of 15, I was partying and drinking in an attempt to stop the nightmares. When I finally thought things were getting better, it happened again, but this time by a family member. I thought to myself, “What?? Why is this happening again?” All I wanted was to be a normal teenager. But I suppose that was my normal.
I always found joy in running track. When I ran, I felt like no one could catch me. I felt freedom. I was in my own lane, and no one else was allowed in. I felt safe. Running changed my life, giving me a place where I could excel. It made me realize I could be more, do more than just exist.
As I entered adulthood, I thought I was ready to get married. So, at the age of 20, I married the man who I quickly came to realize was not the right one for me. Though we had three children together, we rarely even lived together. By the end of my marriage in 2008, I had lost my home to foreclosure and had gone through a messy separation that finally led to our divorce. Then, I met and fell in love with a wonderful man, and I conceived my fourth and youngest child. Because marriage was not in our plans, we chose to co-parent.
As a divorcée and single mother of four children, I had to rely a lot on friends. We moved in with someone who loved my children but was struggling with alcoholism. This led to constant fighting, and I ended up in jail for a brief time as a result of one of those fights. I definitely did not see that coming. When I got out of jail, I packed up my things, left her home, and never looked back. I could not and would not allow myself to be physically abused.
When I realized that at the end of the day, after all the struggles, challenges, and disappointment, I could not give up because I had four children who needed me, I chose to be a strong single mom — I found a job. I walked into one of the biggest retail stores in the area and told the hiring manager that if I were hired, I would not disappoint her. Six months later, I attended the company’s shareholders meeting in Bentonville, Arkansas. I was accomplishing something I never thought I could, I was working and excelling. I began to love myself and provide for my family. God was supplying me with all the skills I needed to be successful. By the time I left the company in 2021, I had risen to the level of management, a place I had previously never even dreamed of achieving.
While work brought some stability, in 2012 my world was shattered when my father died. I was devastated. Every emotion I could imagine hit me, from loneliness to anger. My father, whom I spoke to almost every Saturday morning, was gone; the pain of his loss was overwhelming. Then I realized I needed to stop and think about the man my father was. My father was a man of God, a man who loved the Lord. I realized he was finally where he wanted to be; he was in the arms of his Father, and I should be rejoicing. So, I decided to celebrate my dad’s life instead of mourning his loss.
Amid my grief, I learned that my firstborn and his girlfriend were expecting their first child. Not the news I wanted to hear at first, but I quickly overcame the disappointment and welcomed my first grandchild. I was overjoyed to meet that beautiful baby girl who was my first grandbaby. I was someone’s mom-mom, and I was ready for the challenge.
That was a year of highs and lows, but somewhere between it all, I discovered that God had a strange sense of humor. For many years, I did not want to be in a relationship; I was comfortable as a single mom. But God sent a man into my life. We had both grown up in the Church and had felt a calling to serve God when we were teenagers. This man reminded me of my dad, and God knew I needed someone like that in my life once again. On my birthday in 2013, I said “I do” to my husband. Thank you, God, for blessing me with Douglas, who puts up with all my shenanigans.
The next phase of my life brought the challenges of navigating a blended family. As my husband and I settled into our life together, God knew the challenges ahead, and with Him as my guide, I was ready. In 2021, we answered our calling to full-time Christian ministry and were slated to enter the two-year training program to become Salvation Army officers.
While we were getting ready to head to training, my oldest son was arrested. This meant he would be in jail while we were in training. This was extremely hard for me, but I knew I had to go; I had to finally answer God’s calling on my life. In the summer of 2021, we packed up our bags, sold our home, and moved to Atlanta. In the first weeks, I doubted God’s direction and wanted to leave training, but it quickly dawned on me that I was now homeless for God. I had no home, no job, nowhere else to go. This was it. My journey was taking off. God placed amazing people in my life to guide me through the challenges of training.
In the summer of 2022, the day after my husband and I completed our summer assignment as cadets in Salisbury, Maryland, I went to visit my children in Baltimore for a couple of days before heading back to the training college for our second year. I arrived in Baltimore, and I remember the afternoon breeze was cool, but something was wrong. I was not at peace. My heart was troubled, and I could not understand the feeling inside. Then came the call that would change the lives of my family and me forever.
As I stood in my daughter’s living room, I got the news that no mother wants to hear. My oldest child, whom I had left in jail last year, my child whom I constantly prayed for, was murdered on the streets of Baltimore. I felt like a piece of my heart was ripped out of my chest. I never thought that I would have to bury any of my children. Then the questions followed: “Why God? What did I do to deserve this?” I wanted answers, and I wanted them now. “I’ve done everything you asked of me. All I wanted was for you to keep him safe. For you to take care of my baby while I was in training,” I cried.
After that, I did not want to go back to training. I was done with God. I thought, “I’ve done everything He asked of me, and look what happened, my son is gone.” This tragedy took everything out of me. All the past trauma in my life, I could handle, but this? This shattered my heart into pieces.
As I prepared for my son’s funeral, God was working on me. He surrounded me with people who spoke wisdom and words of comfort. The day of my son’s funeral, God kept whispering, “Say something, say something. Speak to all these young people, talk about God. Tell them to surrender.” That is exactly what I did. That day, I spoke words of encouragement to all of those attending my son’s funeral. I, my husband, our corps officer, and my family were privileged to pray with many of the young adults seeking answers and mourning my son’s death.
After this beautiful experience of surrender and ministry, I returned to training, and my husband and I were commissioned as lieutenants along with the rest of our session, the Reflectors of Holiness.
My life has been a journey filled with pain and loss but woven throughout with moments of joy. I have experienced trauma that no child should ever endure, faced heartbreak that seemed insurmountable, and carried grief that weighed heavily on my soul. Yet through it all, I have learned to lean on God’s Word: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go,” (Joshua 1:9). This is my life verse; I know I can remain under God’s constant guidance. He is my strength when I am weak and my comfort when I feel alone.
While I cannot change the past, I can choose to use my story to inspire and encourage others. My faith has taught me that forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary for healing. By forgiving those who have hurt me, I have become free from the chains of bitterness and resentment. I will continue to share my story to offer hope to those who feel broken, to remind them that they are not alone, and to testify that with God, there is always a way forward. This is my commitment: to turn my grief into purpose and to declare that no matter what happens in life, there is always hope. “…BUT GOD!”