The Power of Powerlessness
I distinctly remember my rock bottom. Having spoken to many clients, I now understand that my rock bottom wasn’t really that far down, but regardless, it was hugely impactful for my life.
I had just turned 18 and moved away to college more than nine hours away from anything I knew. And it seemed like every part of my life decided to crumble all at once. My parents were in the middle of a difficult divorce. My girlfriend dumped me. My friends abandoned me. I was struggling academically. From my limited perspective, my entire world was falling apart. In some ways, I felt like Job. I had done everything right and still had everything stripped from me.
I distinctly remember lying in my dorm room sobbing. At this point, I had already struggled with Major Depressive Disorder for more than five years. I was not motivated to do anything, but I knew I needed God. What scripture would you recommend to suffering Ian? Jeremiah 29:11? The entire book of Job? Romans 8:28? I was aware of all these passages. In my moment of despair, they felt too hopeful for me. I was suffering, and I wanted to keep wallowing in that suffering. I decided to turn to the most depressing book I find: the book of Ecclesiastes.
I find that most Christians dislike Ecclesiastes. It’s in the Old Testament, so it is easy for us to ignore it in favor of New Testament books. The book continuously repeats the same simple message: everything is meaningless. The author has all his dreams fulfilled, yet everything is meaningless. He suffers endlessly, but everything is meaningless. He tries to find fulfilment in his work, and still, everything is meaningless. For a depressed Ian at rock bottom, this was the most hopeful message I could have received.
God sent me a clear message that night: everything is meaningless. My parents divorce? Meaningless. My girlfriend leaving me? Meaningless. My friends abandoning me? Meaningless. My grades? Meaningless. None of it mattered. God was distinctly telling me that I was not in control. I was laying in that bed sobbing because I had no control over my life and everything I cared about was gone. That was exactly where God wanted me.
I learned an important truth that night. Everything is meaningless. I am not in control. That was the most hopeful message I could have received at my rock bottom. If I am not in control, why am I stressing over it? God is the one who is in control. If I believe the promises of the Bible, He will use this suffering to help me grow. This is one of God’s greatest gifts—He gives our suffering meaning. By worrying about things that are already in God’s control, I am saying I don’t trust God or His promises.
The more I speak with clients, the more I realize that perceived control is one of the biggest problems people face. All improvement in mental health starts from a place of powerlessness— a place of accepting that I am not in control, but God is. The hard part is choosing to accept our powerlessness and choosing to put our entire faith in God. It is not good enough to just acknowledge our powerlessness, we must be comfortable being powerless.
I think that most of the power we believe we have in our lives is an illusion. I worked in an inpatient rehabilitation facility for five years with people coming in right off the street. Many had debilitating addictions and entered our program without any money, possessions, or hope. In my first resident orientation class, I would tell them all that I was as powerless as they were. Mostly they would laugh. How could Ian, a counselor with a wife, full-time job, Ph.D., house, and cars be as powerless as someone with absolutely nothing? The reality is that none of those things are guaranteed. God could take them all away at any time. This is one of the messages of Job: it doesn’t matter how secure you are, you can always lose it all.
Most of the people sitting in my class had lives before their addiction. They had wives, children, full-time jobs, education, houses, and cars. By the time they reached my office, most of that was gone. I met people who had made millions of dollars, achieved the highest levels of education, had worked in the most prestigious fields, all now homeless and in need of my help. They learned the hard way that everything is meaningless and that they were simply chasing after the wind. We are all one mere moment away from losing everything, and there is little we can do to control it.
Ironically, having worked with this group who fundamentally understood the reality of powerlessness, I know of no other group that fought harder for control. Their lives were filled with manipulations and cons, always trying to gain some iota of control. Even of those who were successful in our program, completed it, and got back on their feet, most would be back through our doors again before long. When they came back, I would hear the same story over and over: “I thought I had it, but I didn’t. As soon as I thought I had control, I lost it again.” The day we forget that we are powerless is the day that God starts reminding us that we are not in control.
The natural response to realizing we are not in control is anxiety. We live in a world of anxious people. Most clients I speak with are struggling with anxiety in some shape or form. Regardless of their object of anxiety, every anxious client shares the same trait—they want control. The hard reality is that they cannot have it, which only reinforces their anxious behavior. Many clients respond to their anxiety with feelings of anger. I have now come to define anger as the active quest for control. Anger is how we act out our anxiety in the real world. When we cannot get the control we want, anger steps in and tries to help us take control. From my seat, it is obvious that despite its intentions, anger only leads us to less control, not more. Perhaps God biologically wired us to respond in anger to reinforce our powerlessness and encourage us to cede to His control. The key to managing anger and anxiety is simple: we must be comfortable being out of control.
The first step toward powerlessness is to identify areas in which we do have control. We do have limited control in some areas of our life. For those of us who believe in free will, we believe that we have control over our decision- making. This means that we generally have control over our thoughts and behaviors. While I am not arguing against free will, I think that our control over our thoughts and behaviors is more limited than most people might expect.
Having worked with many people struggling with addiction, I can confirm that they do not have control over their addictions and compulsive behaviors. From a neuropsychology perspective, the parts of the brain that give addicts control are turned off by their addiction. It is scary to think there are some thoughts and behaviors that are outside of our control, but it is true. I do believe that while we do not always have direct control over ourselves, we do at least have some influence. Without some limited control, addiction recovery programs would not work; so, there is hope. The question then becomes how do we influence our thoughts and feelings to become comfortable not being in control?
We have already established that if we are not in control then God must be in control. This tells us that being comfortable while powerless is fundamentally a spiritual issue and must have a spiritual solution. To be comfortable, we must completely trust God with everything. Most of us check this box and move on prematurely. Feelings of anxiety and anger in your life are telling you that you don’t have complete faith in God. This is a painful realization for all of us. Our brains are naturally wired to desire control, and God asks us to give up that control. This means that we must begin to shift our thinking away from our own human desires and toward God.
Comfort in powerlessness only comes through holiness. Many words have been spoken on holiness, and I have a lot more to say on the topic than I can fit into the next few paragraphs. For now, I would like to give you some practical steps you can start practicing today:
1. Make a list with four columns.
- a. Column 1: What is causing me anxiety or anger?
- b. Column 2: What is outside my control in this situation?
- c. Column 3: What is inside my control in this situation?
- d. Column 4: With what I can control, what steps can I take to make this situation better?
2. Pray through every item on your list.
- a. Ask God in what areas you need to give up control.
- b. Ask for God’s help in surrendering control.
- c. Ask God to make His will known in this situation.
3. As you feel anxious about these concerns in the future, turn them over to God.
- a. Acknowledge to God the areas that are outside of your control.
- b. Tell God you are choosing to trust Him and His will in this situation.
Over time, as you practice these steps, your brain will get better at identifying what is in and what is outside of your control. It will become easier to stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on the solution. Most importantly, you will begin to trust God more, which should lead to less anxiety and anger. Surrendering to your powerlessness will allow God to be in control of it all.